Grace...amazing

I saw God today.  I saw Him when I could see nothing else except for my baby girl floating in our Koi fish pond.  He heard my screams, He heard my fears, He heard my heart when I couldn't even speak.  And she was okay.  She was fine.  She was alive.

We came home from Library time and I started to get ready for lunch.  I saw Ellison head for her room and I turned to the kitchen.  Xavier opened the slider to let the dog out but then he ran to get Titan's ball...I guess?  I'm not sure what he did but somehow, when no one was looking, Ellie Mae ran outside.

Keep in mind that Xavier LORDS over his sister.  He won't let her do anything wrong.  All day long I hear, "No, Ellie!  No, sweetie.  You can't do this or that."  So, if Xavier would have seen Ellie run onto the deck, he would have yelled at her and told me.

But he didn't see her and neither did I.

None of my neighbors are home during the day except for Frank.  But Frank is elderly, doesn't hear well and well....yeah.  Nobody saw her.

I realized the slider door to our backyard was open and I asked Xavier, "where is Ellie Mae?"  He turned to look and said, "she's in her room."  I even walked toward her room, thought I saw her shadow, and went back to making lunch.

Except....for some reason...I stopped and thought, "check on her."  Could have been instinct but lately, I've been praying for the Holy Spirit to help me.  I've been calling on Him in my times of anger and stress.  It's probably something most people wouldn't even understand...but I'll give the glory to Him....because I stopped the ever important task of getting lunch for the kiddos to physically go look for my sweet girl.  See, I've told both Ellison and Xavier that if they ever yell for help or start crying, I will run to their side to help them.  Today, Ellison's silence was all I needed.

I looked in her room expecting to see her on the floor, quietly looking at books.  But her room was empty.  I walked quickly to Xavier's room but the light was off.  Most times she won't go in there but I turned the light on and looked for her.  This was when my heart started racing and my stomach started sinking.  I ran to her room and looked more closely.  Maybe she was behind the chair or on the other side of her crib or in her closet or.....  But she wasn't anywhere and the world suddenly seemed like it was completely empty.

I yelled to Xavier, "Ellie isn't in her room...are you sure you didn't see her somewhere?  I was heading for the side door, hoping...just hoping she was there.  But I stopped to scan the backyard...and saw her white shirt and purple pants...her body...floating in our pond.

The pond that was supposed to get a fence last spring...and this summer...and now.  The pond Xavier loves to catch frogs in.  The pond Ellie Mae likes to dip her toes in and let the Koi fish nibble on her feet.  The pond that is so beautiful and yet, scares the hell out of me.  The pond I always tell people, "I'm not afraid to let my kids fall into it when I'm here with them...my fear is if they fall in when no one is here with them."

Fear realized.  Horror realized.

I ran and screamed and ran and yelled and ran right into the pond water.   She was just below the water's surface, on her back.  I saw that her eyes were open.  I saw her mouth closed.  I saw her face underwater.  It looked like she was holding her breath.  She looked terrified, helpless.  And as I grabbed her, the water up to my chest, I saw a single, orange Koi fish next to her.  I don't know why I remember this but I do.

I was yelling for help.  I was yelling, "God, no!  Please, no!"  I got her out of the water and she was so heavy.  I wondered if her body was full of water.  I wondered if her lungs were full of water.  I wondered if it was too late.  Was her brain damaged?  Was she going to die?  But as I laid her on the grass, I knew, deep in my heart, she was okay and was going to be okay.  She looked at me with fear in her little eyes.  I kept waiting for water to come pouring from her mouth but it never did.  Instead, she cried, HARD and yelled and screamed.  As I wondered how to perform CPR, it finally sank in that I didn't need to.  I looked around for help...scanning the neighbor's houses...but no one.  No one had come when I yelled.  No one.  Except....as alone as I felt...there was still this feeling that someone was with me.  Wait, let me rephrase.  It felt like Someone was with me.

It just wasn't her time.  I know how simple that is but after the teaching at Riverview this weekend, I knew that God still had plans for her.  Sometimes, I know, our plan is to actually die.  As f-ed up as that sounds, God will sometimes allow our death to happen in order to "save" more lives.

If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it.  Luke 17:33

A paradox.  A mystery.  And I know so many babies, children, teens and adults have drowned in water...sometimes in water only 2 inches deep.  And people can debate with me and argue with me but my feet stand firm in what I believe.  And I believe in God's grace.  His amazing grace.

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:2

When I looked around for help,  I saw Xavier standing there.  I remember telling him to get back and yelling but also I kept saying "this isn't your fault.  You are not in trouble."  I picked Ellie up and ran in the house, my shoes soaked and squishing with water.  I went out the side door remembering my phone was in the Freestyle in Ellie's diaper bag.  I couldn't get the door open.  Then I couldn't find the cell phone.  I just wanted someone there.  Again, Xavier was behind me "momma?  Momma!"  I was not calm.  I was not settled.  I got him and Ellie in the house, dumped her bag on the floor, found my cell phone, realized it was off (what the...?  I never have it off unless it dies) and tried to turn it on.  The f-ing thing would not turn on.  Hell yes I was dropping f-bombs at this point...mostly under my breath because Xavier was standing there.  I kept pressing the power button and it did nothing.  "God....PLEASE" I begged.  The phone turned on....but just kept turning on...for like 15 seconds!  It was an eternity.  Finally, FINALLY it was on and I called Joey who came rushing home.

I should have stripped Ellison out of her clothes at this point but I was in shock...holding her and crying, not realizing her body temperature was dropping.  Xavier came to me and said, "Momma...it's okay now.  Everything is okay now."  I told him that I knew that but I was so overwhelmed that I could not pull it together, even for him.  I remembered my step-mom said to always be strong for your kids when they can't be strong.  The thought crossed my mind that he had seen his sister floating in the pond.  He had seen mommy flip out and pull her from the water.  This was traumatic for him as well.

I pulled him near me and X said, "Relax."  I laughed.  Seriously?  My almost 3-year-old told me to relax.  Then, he got his "very brave face" on and said, "I'm going to get into the car and go get daddy."  Thankfully, Joey walked in at that point.

The only problem Ellison experienced from being in the water was that her core temp dropped.  She had blue lips, hands and feet.  Joey changed her and we wrapped her in her comfy frog blanket.  I finally got out of my wet clothes and cuddled with her.  She finally quit screaming and ate lunch: 3 pieces of ham, a cup of veggie noodles, a whole piece of string cheese, green beans and raspberries.  She started acting like her cute, little self again.  She even took a short nap on auntie Lyn and this was when her color returned.  Warm, sweet Elle Mae.  Our baby girl.  They found nothing wrong with her at Urgent Care.  Nothing at all.  No water in her lungs.  Nothing.  A miracle.

No lectures about the pond are required.  I know we have been too lax.  God is dealing with us in many ways.  I also have that image of her in the pond burned into my memory.  It is messing with me on and off.  But we are trying to act as normally as possible for the sake of the kids' comfort.  Still, it is not escaping me that today...the day my friend Becky was born, the day my old friend Justin was born...Ellison's 14 month birthday....could have been the last day of her life.  Tonight could have been completely different but here we are.


Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

~Amazing Grace by John Newton

Love this life...with everything...everything you have.