Friday is laundry day in my house. I try to get it all done in 24 hours. But there are a few things I don't want to wash. The jeans I was wearing when I went into the pond to save Ellie are still in a wet, crumpled pile in the corner of the bathroom. The white shirt and purple pants she was wearing are in her hamper...still wet...3 days later. She lived so why am I feeling like this?
The memory? The feelings it brings? But then, do I want to live in the memory? Do I not want to let go and move on? SHE'S ALIVE. I should wash those clothes and move on. But maybe, in some way, I want the reminder that she almost died. Maybe that reminder is so I never forget and never get lax again.
So, I'm struggling...a little. I'm not letting it control my day and I am thinking about it less and less but the image is still there. And it's also the "what ifs" that are still there. If I had waited and not checked. If she had hit her head on the rock when she slipped. If she had sank to the bottom. If, if, if....
It really might be a sin to even think about the what ifs because that isn't the way God ordained it. And she is HERE. My friend Jenny said, "she GETS to wear those clothes, again." So, I guess I'll go put them in the washer.
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