Wet Clothes

Friday is laundry day in my house.  I try to get it all done in 24 hours.  But there are a few things I don't want to wash.  The jeans I was wearing when I went into the pond to save Ellie are still in a wet, crumpled pile in the corner of the bathroom.  The white shirt and purple pants she was wearing are in her hamper...still wet...3 days later.  She lived so why am I feeling like this?

The memory?  The feelings it brings?  But then, do I want to live in the memory?  Do I not want to let go and move on?  SHE'S ALIVE.  I should wash those clothes and move on.  But maybe, in some way, I want the reminder that she almost died.  Maybe that reminder is so I never forget and never get lax again. 

So, I'm struggling...a little.  I'm not letting it control my day and I am thinking about it less and less but the image is still there.  And it's also the "what ifs" that are still there.  If I had waited and not checked.  If she had hit her head on the rock when she slipped.  If she had sank to the bottom.  If, if, if....

It really might be a sin to even think about the what ifs because that isn't the way God ordained it.  And she is HERE.  My friend Jenny said, "she GETS to wear those clothes, again."  So, I guess I'll go put them in the washer.

Grace...amazing

I saw God today.  I saw Him when I could see nothing else except for my baby girl floating in our Koi fish pond.  He heard my screams, He heard my fears, He heard my heart when I couldn't even speak.  And she was okay.  She was fine.  She was alive.

We came home from Library time and I started to get ready for lunch.  I saw Ellison head for her room and I turned to the kitchen.  Xavier opened the slider to let the dog out but then he ran to get Titan's ball...I guess?  I'm not sure what he did but somehow, when no one was looking, Ellie Mae ran outside.

Keep in mind that Xavier LORDS over his sister.  He won't let her do anything wrong.  All day long I hear, "No, Ellie!  No, sweetie.  You can't do this or that."  So, if Xavier would have seen Ellie run onto the deck, he would have yelled at her and told me.

But he didn't see her and neither did I.

None of my neighbors are home during the day except for Frank.  But Frank is elderly, doesn't hear well and well....yeah.  Nobody saw her.

I realized the slider door to our backyard was open and I asked Xavier, "where is Ellie Mae?"  He turned to look and said, "she's in her room."  I even walked toward her room, thought I saw her shadow, and went back to making lunch.

Except....for some reason...I stopped and thought, "check on her."  Could have been instinct but lately, I've been praying for the Holy Spirit to help me.  I've been calling on Him in my times of anger and stress.  It's probably something most people wouldn't even understand...but I'll give the glory to Him....because I stopped the ever important task of getting lunch for the kiddos to physically go look for my sweet girl.  See, I've told both Ellison and Xavier that if they ever yell for help or start crying, I will run to their side to help them.  Today, Ellison's silence was all I needed.

I looked in her room expecting to see her on the floor, quietly looking at books.  But her room was empty.  I walked quickly to Xavier's room but the light was off.  Most times she won't go in there but I turned the light on and looked for her.  This was when my heart started racing and my stomach started sinking.  I ran to her room and looked more closely.  Maybe she was behind the chair or on the other side of her crib or in her closet or.....  But she wasn't anywhere and the world suddenly seemed like it was completely empty.

I yelled to Xavier, "Ellie isn't in her room...are you sure you didn't see her somewhere?  I was heading for the side door, hoping...just hoping she was there.  But I stopped to scan the backyard...and saw her white shirt and purple pants...her body...floating in our pond.

The pond that was supposed to get a fence last spring...and this summer...and now.  The pond Xavier loves to catch frogs in.  The pond Ellie Mae likes to dip her toes in and let the Koi fish nibble on her feet.  The pond that is so beautiful and yet, scares the hell out of me.  The pond I always tell people, "I'm not afraid to let my kids fall into it when I'm here with them...my fear is if they fall in when no one is here with them."

Fear realized.  Horror realized.

I ran and screamed and ran and yelled and ran right into the pond water.   She was just below the water's surface, on her back.  I saw that her eyes were open.  I saw her mouth closed.  I saw her face underwater.  It looked like she was holding her breath.  She looked terrified, helpless.  And as I grabbed her, the water up to my chest, I saw a single, orange Koi fish next to her.  I don't know why I remember this but I do.

I was yelling for help.  I was yelling, "God, no!  Please, no!"  I got her out of the water and she was so heavy.  I wondered if her body was full of water.  I wondered if her lungs were full of water.  I wondered if it was too late.  Was her brain damaged?  Was she going to die?  But as I laid her on the grass, I knew, deep in my heart, she was okay and was going to be okay.  She looked at me with fear in her little eyes.  I kept waiting for water to come pouring from her mouth but it never did.  Instead, she cried, HARD and yelled and screamed.  As I wondered how to perform CPR, it finally sank in that I didn't need to.  I looked around for help...scanning the neighbor's houses...but no one.  No one had come when I yelled.  No one.  Except....as alone as I felt...there was still this feeling that someone was with me.  Wait, let me rephrase.  It felt like Someone was with me.

It just wasn't her time.  I know how simple that is but after the teaching at Riverview this weekend, I knew that God still had plans for her.  Sometimes, I know, our plan is to actually die.  As f-ed up as that sounds, God will sometimes allow our death to happen in order to "save" more lives.

If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it.  Luke 17:33

A paradox.  A mystery.  And I know so many babies, children, teens and adults have drowned in water...sometimes in water only 2 inches deep.  And people can debate with me and argue with me but my feet stand firm in what I believe.  And I believe in God's grace.  His amazing grace.

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:2

When I looked around for help,  I saw Xavier standing there.  I remember telling him to get back and yelling but also I kept saying "this isn't your fault.  You are not in trouble."  I picked Ellie up and ran in the house, my shoes soaked and squishing with water.  I went out the side door remembering my phone was in the Freestyle in Ellie's diaper bag.  I couldn't get the door open.  Then I couldn't find the cell phone.  I just wanted someone there.  Again, Xavier was behind me "momma?  Momma!"  I was not calm.  I was not settled.  I got him and Ellie in the house, dumped her bag on the floor, found my cell phone, realized it was off (what the...?  I never have it off unless it dies) and tried to turn it on.  The f-ing thing would not turn on.  Hell yes I was dropping f-bombs at this point...mostly under my breath because Xavier was standing there.  I kept pressing the power button and it did nothing.  "God....PLEASE" I begged.  The phone turned on....but just kept turning on...for like 15 seconds!  It was an eternity.  Finally, FINALLY it was on and I called Joey who came rushing home.

I should have stripped Ellison out of her clothes at this point but I was in shock...holding her and crying, not realizing her body temperature was dropping.  Xavier came to me and said, "Momma...it's okay now.  Everything is okay now."  I told him that I knew that but I was so overwhelmed that I could not pull it together, even for him.  I remembered my step-mom said to always be strong for your kids when they can't be strong.  The thought crossed my mind that he had seen his sister floating in the pond.  He had seen mommy flip out and pull her from the water.  This was traumatic for him as well.

I pulled him near me and X said, "Relax."  I laughed.  Seriously?  My almost 3-year-old told me to relax.  Then, he got his "very brave face" on and said, "I'm going to get into the car and go get daddy."  Thankfully, Joey walked in at that point.

The only problem Ellison experienced from being in the water was that her core temp dropped.  She had blue lips, hands and feet.  Joey changed her and we wrapped her in her comfy frog blanket.  I finally got out of my wet clothes and cuddled with her.  She finally quit screaming and ate lunch: 3 pieces of ham, a cup of veggie noodles, a whole piece of string cheese, green beans and raspberries.  She started acting like her cute, little self again.  She even took a short nap on auntie Lyn and this was when her color returned.  Warm, sweet Elle Mae.  Our baby girl.  They found nothing wrong with her at Urgent Care.  Nothing at all.  No water in her lungs.  Nothing.  A miracle.

No lectures about the pond are required.  I know we have been too lax.  God is dealing with us in many ways.  I also have that image of her in the pond burned into my memory.  It is messing with me on and off.  But we are trying to act as normally as possible for the sake of the kids' comfort.  Still, it is not escaping me that today...the day my friend Becky was born, the day my old friend Justin was born...Ellison's 14 month birthday....could have been the last day of her life.  Tonight could have been completely different but here we are.


Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

~Amazing Grace by John Newton

Love this life...with everything...everything you have.

The Rub

There is a flaw to the sleep lady approach when it comes to my kid.

I have to sit there while Xavier falls asleep. When he wakes up in the middle of the night, he sometimes looks for me and fully wakes up screaming for me because I'm not there anymore. If you remember from Ferber, you shouldn't give kids a job to do in the middle of the night. The conditions they fell asleep under should be the same throughout the night. Well, if I'm sitting there until he falls asleep and then leaving, I give Xavier a job to do by looking for me in the middle of the night.

Now, I know he will still call for me sometimes even if I'm not staying in his room until he falls asleep, but I'm still not being fair by doing this. I just really don't feel like there is another way right now...but I need to go for it and try.

Stuck

Xavier's sleep has definitely improved. The method worked, too. I gradually moved out into the hallway where he could still see me and he was okay with it. Until two things happened: he stayed the night at Grandma and Grandpa Corr's house and he started teething.

The night at G&G Corr's through him off. He flipped when I tried to sit in the hallway his first night back. In fact, I had to move all the way back to the crib to comfort him. He was also waking up screaming due to his I-teeth coming in. I've moved to just inside the door but now, I'm stuck...and running out of time.

I need to move out to the hallway. I will do it. I just don't have faith that we will get beyond this point and we need to. I need to be able to put him in his crib and walk out of the room while he falls asleep. Being 8 months pregnant, it is becoming more and more difficult to sit on the floor sometimes for 10 minutes and sometimes for 45.

For those thinking I'm being to soft about this, I do have a few choice words for you but I'll pick these ones: cry it out doesn't work for him or me. He gets so worked up he won't sleep and then he pukes. I don't want him to go through that. Tears are okay but not me just shutting the door and walking away while he cries (see previous posts). I really do like this method and this along with prayer has been going well.

Now, I just need to have faith I can get unstuck before the baby arrives.

Light sleeper

My kid is a light sleeper and I'm getting really pissed at the people who say he has to learn to "sleep through it." Wtf? How do you teach him that? What kind of training sessions do you set up?

"Ooooooooo...he's asleep now! Let's run the vacuum in his room to train him to sleep through it!" My mom actually told me to...kind of. She said the only time she could vacuum was after I went to sleep because she worked all day. Well, that's great but all it is going to do is wake him up.

Yes, he's slept through Titan barking (one bark) and through a thunderstorm (it was when he first went to sleep at night) but the problem is naps. He doesn't like them but needs them. Oh my Lord, does he need them. 2 hours. That's all. But it is sometimes a struggle to get him down for one because he wants to be up having fun (especially when daddy is home). So any kind of noise is going to wake him up.

I feel like the world is against me on this napping thing. Examples: my 90-year-old neighbor weed whipping right outside X's window. Granger garbage trucks going by our house several times right in the middle of his nap. People knocking at the door causing my dog to go bonkers. Loud motorcycles going sssssslllllloooooowwwwwwwwllllllly by his window. Other neighbor playing his bass way to loud. Everyone firing up their lawnmowers as soon as X is asleep. I could go on. I won't.

And I know I can't control what other people are doing. i can only do my best to make sure he we are excessively noisy while he's sleeping. I've put signs on the doors asking people not to ring the doorbell. I asked the 90-year-old neighbor to hold off on the weed whipping until after 2:30. But I can't ask Granger to change their route. And I can't ask everyone to change their lives just so my kid can get that 2 hours he needs.

and it is about to get worse because Miss Ellison is on her way...well, in two months. At least we have made progress with the naps. Most days it takes about 5-10 minutes for him to fall asleep. Today, it took 45 mins. So, I get stressed out about it because it is hard work and I'm pregnant. It feels like it's is me against the world between the hours of 11:30ish a.m. and 2:30ish p.m.

Even now...we are coming up on the 2 hour mark in about 20 minutes...and I'm almost giddy yet at the same time, holding my breath.

Learning to Sleep (Finally)

I spent the whole next day reading the book and learned more about the method. Not only was I supposed to put him in bed awake, but I wasn't to stand over him, only sit next to him. Also, no snacks right before bed, or milk. These were two things we always gave him. We were to be encouraging and supportive while X went through this transition and only one of us should be with him. Keep talking to a minimum...just shushing. If he stands up in the crib, only put him back down once or it might turn into a game. Instead, continue to shush and gently pat the bed telling him to lay down. If he gets up in the middle of the night, check on him but start the process over.

That day for nap, I held Xavier while he fell asleep. Even at night, I held him. I just wasn't ready to try anything new. But when he woke up in the middle of the night and wouldn't go back to sleep, I put him back in his bed awake.

He flipped.

But I held on.

I sat next to his bed while he sobbed and called out for me. Joey came in briefly to reassure both of us. I wanted to yell at Xavier and tell him to just go to sleep but I also tried to see this through his eyes. To him, it wasn't fair because I had never taught him how to fall asleep on his own. I was losing hope as we went on to hour 2 of this. Then, I started singing to myself a song we sang in RivKids: My God is so big and so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do. I sang this over and over again and in my heart I made up my mind about something. I had put so much faith in Ferber's method which hadn't worked. I was not going to put my faith in this method, either....but I was going to put my faith in God. He would see us through this whole learning process.

I found myself humming the song and realized Xavier was, too. He had finally calmed down. After 2 hours, Xavier finally fell asleep on his own, in his crib.

"I stand up in faith,
Cause I fear no longer,
And I pray and wait for God to provide.
I lean all of my weight on him who is able,
And I set aside every effort of mine."
lyrics from "A Son of God"

Attempt at new method

I had received a mom magazine in the mail. The mom was talking about sleep and listed, "The Sleep Lady's Good Night, Sleep Tight" by Kim West as one of the books she used. I thought, "might as well" and reserved the book online with my library on Sunday. They had to transfer the book from the Williamston library so I wasn't sure how long it would take to get it. But I had read enough about the book online and in the magazine that I understood the general idea.

Put child in bed awake.
Stay next to child, sitting in a chair, comforting child as needed but not overdoing it.
Stay with child until he falls asleep on his own. Do not pick him up unless he needs to be calmed down. Then immediately put him back into bed.
Every few days, move closer to the door.

But I knew I needed more info in order to use this system. So, I waited for the book.

May 10, early morning (classic scenario): Xavier woke up after being asleep for 3 hours. I was exhausted so Joey went in. After trying to get him back to sleep for an hour, Joey got frustrated and gave up, putting X back in his crib, crying (Xavier was crying, not Joey). I didn't want to listen to him cry but Joey wanted me to leave X there for awhile to see if he would cry himself out. After 45 minutes, he was going strong and really worked up.

But then, I thought I heard someone walking in the hall...or was it in his room....and it sounded like he was closer to us somehow...his cries weren't as distant. His cries were also different...not as urgent or upset. I...being half awake, wondered if my roommate had gone into his room to comfort X. But that wasn't something Heidi would normally do. Joey noticed it, too and got up to go check. I heard him say, "Oh my God," when he entered the room.

I raced in, crying, thinking the worst and there was Xavier, on the floor. He had taken matters into his own hands and climbed out of the crib. I held him so tight and kissed his little face over and over. I rocked him to sleep and made up my mind: we were going to try a new method of sleep training.

Later that morning, I picked up the book from the library and read it as much as I could during the day. We took Xavier to my dad's for dinner and tried to get him in bed by 8pm. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to give this new sleep training method a try.

We did our normal routine: bath, pjs, stories, songs....but then instead of me holding Xavier until he fell asleep, I picked him up (he was drowsy) and put him in his bed.

The kid freaked.

He got himself so worked up that he threw up. I was so upset. I picked him up, kissing him and rocked him to sleep...again.

I felt so depressed and hopeless. Oh, and tired. But something inside me said not to give up.